commitment

Di (me? never!) is watching ‘the Bachelor’.  We like the ugliness of the characters.  Ugggh! :)

He’s down to the last two girls, and is being incredibly intimate with both of them.  Both of the girls (and no doubt part of him) are going to be really hurt.  I can’t count the number of times he has said, “I’m just so confused right now emotionally.”  Di just said, “Pashing two girls.  For the love!”

The dangerous illusion is that he hasn’t committed to either one yet.  The truth is that the intense intimacy they have shared (not just physical intimacy, but emotional, relational intimacy – the identity forming stuff) has long since been building committed bonds with both of them.  The principle is thus: intimacy and commitment advance in tandem.  You can’t have one, as they say, without the other.

I often make this point concerning the relational bond or union (or ‘joining’ or ‘marriage’) created by sexual union, but the same principle holds true even before the sexual act.  A ‘mere’ kiss, for example, is no ‘mere’ thing at all.  Heck, even the first hand-holding experience sends a few hundred amps up one’s arm.

modesty and attraction

Modesty isn’t (on one hand) wearing body-hiding, beauty-suppressing clothing to prevent even the possibility of someone having any kind of attraction.  Nor, of course, is modesty (on the other hand) wearing body-flaunting, beauty-distorting clothing to ensure every possibility of every kind of attraction.

Modesty and being attractive are not at all at odds with each other.  Proper attraction between two people happens through attractiveness of various kinds – i.e. an attractive personality and attractive attire.  Being attractive in the truest sense is to act, speak, behave and dress in a way that fosters healthy mutuality and relationship with an other.

Prudism is unattractive in the passive/negative sense, because it witholds the whole person from an other.  Exhibitionism (used here to refer to the opposite of prudism) is also unattractive in the active/positive sense, because it forces too much of the person onto an other.

Therefore, the problem with immodesty (whether the immodesty of prudism, or the immodesty of exhibitionism) is not that it is too attractive, but that it is not attractive enough.

pre-marital what?

It has been said before that “______”s (insert whatever Christian denomination you wish to pick on) are against pre-marital sex because it might lead to dancing… :)

But on a more serious note, the topic of ‘pre-marital sex’ (a.k.a. ‘sex before marriage’) is an interesting one.  Many Christians can assume that there is a specific verse in the Bible forbidding it…

There is no such verse.

But really, there is no such thing (as we shall see) as pre-marital sex, either… Continue reading “pre-marital what?”

what’s the problem with porn?

There are a few, perhaps, who would answer this question with a casual (or insistent) “None. Get over it”, but most, I suspect, would agree: porn (obviously only for societies that have it) is a problem.

Some better questions would be ‘what kind of problem is it?’, ‘where does it come from?’ and ‘how do people deal with it?’

Jason Byassee has written an interesting article over at ‘First Things’ website. He refers to a book by Pamela Paul, ‘Pornified: How Pornography Is Transforming Our Lives, Our Relationships, and Our Families’, whose Times article titled ‘The Porn Factor’ begins with this synopsis of a ‘Friends’ episode: Continue reading “what’s the problem with porn?”

i heart the internet…

I mean…

really…

Don’t get me wrong…

the internet is great…

but the by-line for this online ‘friend’ site…

‘be who you wanna be’…

scares me.

Online Identity…

yikes.

I hope humanity doesn’t forget…

how to have a simple meal together…

sharing food…

sharing time…

sharing conversation…

sharing LIFE with each other.

That would be very sad…

getting intimate in the garden

There’s more to the Garden of Eden story than just apples, trees and snakes.

Adam and Eve had the most precious thing in existence: unhindered, unbroken and fully realised intimacy and union with God! What more could a human ask for? On top of that, they had a complete and totally healthy relationship between them!

Think of it. The First and Greatest Commandment AND the ‘second’ one – done. But they wanted more. They bought the lie that they could be like God. This brought many consequences, but the one I’d like to highlight here has to do with the loss of intimacy.

Remember what Adam and Eve did right after sinning? Well, not only did they gain an ever-increased concern for their nakedness (resulting in the birth of the clothing industry), but they also did something that (at first) seems ridiculous…

They hid from God. Isn’t that just hilarious? I mean, why would you ever think that you could hide from God? And by the way, didn’t they know they were naked all along? What’s with the random fig-leaf fashion statement? What in the Garden of Eden is going on?

Question. What is the opposite of unbridled intimacy and joy in relationship with God and each other? Hiding. Adam and Eve ‘hid themselves from the presence of the LORD God.’ (Gen. 3:8) Why did they do this? Adam explains for us a few verses later: he was afraid. Sin had put a barrier of fear between him and God. The secure bond of love and intimacy was shattered into the fearful isolation of guilt and shame.

We still experience these shattering effects today. Sin continues to make intimacy unbearable. Some of the hardest things to produce in humans are honesty, vulnerability and transparency. Recently I admitted to some friends that I like to keep people at arms length, so they don’t see my faults. I prefer having a lot of acquaintances rather than having a few really close, honest friends. After all, if I let someone get too close to me, they might love me enough to challenge, correct or sharpen me.

I must not allow this to happen.
I must protect myself from this every happening in my life.
I must keep my relationships shallow.
I must hide.
I must make myself a suit of fig-leaves.

Allow me to assert that in Christ we have no reason whatsoever to hide! The shattering effect of sin has been undone by the Cross of Christ! No guilt! No shame! No fear!

If only we would dare to believe that we are really, totally, wonderfully, perfectly and completely cleansed of our sins (past, present AND future) by the blood of Christ! If only we would dare to be intimate with each other! If only we would be real, honest, vulnerable and transparent!

Intimacy is not neat, organised or systematic. It’s relational.
It’s not expedient, efficient or entertaining. It’s rough ground.
But most of all, intimacy means not hiding.

In Christ, we can have the confidence to know just a little of the freedom that Adam and Eve knew before they sinned;

“And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.” – Genesis 2:25